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History's Greatest Replies (W)

 Mae West

 James McNeill Whistler

 Oscar Wilde

 John Wilkes

Mae West

In 1926, after spending a few decades paying her dues and developing her provocative stage persona, Mae West began writing, producing, and starring in her own Broadway shows. In her first play, titled Sex, she challenged social convention by playing a prostitute. The show was an immediate success, and West achieved national fame when she was jailed for eight days for "corrupting the morals of youth." In 1928, she followed up with her next hit play, Diamond Lil, in which she more fully displayed the sultry, wisecracking style that would become her trademark. In one scene, a woman gazes at West's jewelry and says with admiration, "Goodness! What beautiful diamonds." West replied:

"Goodness had nothing to do with it, dearie."

West was so proud of that piece of dialogue that she reprised it a few years later in her 1932 Hollywood film debut, Night After Night. As years went by, the line became a cinema classic, so indelibly associated with West that she titled her 1959 autobiography, Goodness Had Nothing to Do With It.

James McNeill Whistler

Primarily remembered today for his paintings, James McNeill Whistler also became a successful author with the publication of his 1890 book "The Gentle Art of Making Enemies." An exceedingly witty man, he was one of the few people who could hold his own with the incomparable Oscar Wilde. In one legendary exchange, after Whistler had offered a particularly clever observation, Wilde said admiringly, "I wish I had said that." Whistler seized the moment, replying:

"You will, Oscar, you will."

Oscar Wilde

In 1882, the 28-year-old Oscar Wilde embarked on a year-long lecture tour of America. During that much-heralded trip, he traveled to more than seventy cities and towns across the U. S. and Canada, lecturing on art and the aesthetic movement to intellectuals in Boston, farmers in Nebraska, and miners in Colorado. With his velvet coat, frilly silk shirts, and patent leather shoes, Wilde looked every inch the English dandy. He also shocked people with his open displays of sensuality (when he met Walt Whitman in New Jersey, the two men greeted each other with a kiss on the lips). Wilde's tour started with a bang on January 2, 1882, when he arrived at New York Harbor. Asked by a U. S. Customs official if he had anything to declare, he famously replied:

"I have nothing to declare but my genius."

John Wilkes

Perhaps the most celebrated retort in the history of wit occurred in a famous exchange between two 18th century political rivals, John Montagu, also known as the Earl of Sandwich, and the reformist politician, John Wilkes. During a heated argument, Montagu scowled at Wilkes and said derisively, "Upon my soul, Wilkes, I don't know whether you'll die upon the gallows, or of syphilis" (some versions of the story say "a vile disease" and others "the pox"). Unfazed, Wilkes came back with what many people regard as the greatest retort of all time:

"That will depend, my Lord, on whether I embrace your principles, or your mistress."