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I Never Metaphor I Didn't Like:
A Comprehensive Compilation of History's
Greatest Analogies, Metaphors, and Similes
Published August 2008 Hardcover: 336 Pages
List Price: $14.95 ISBN: 0061358134
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HarperCollins
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All on-line booksellers and all major brick & mortar bookstores will be selling the book, but to make things a little easier for you, I'll provide a link to amazon.com below:
In I Never Metaphor I Didn't Like, I have fixed my attention on the three superstars of figurative language: analogies, metaphors, and similes. In the first chapter, I explain the nature of these literary devices in down-to-earth and easy-to-understand ways (the way I wish they had been
explained to me when I was in high school). In the rest of the book—in chapters on sex, politics, sports, aging, stage & screen, the literary life, and more—I take readers on a guided tour of history's greatest analogies metaphors, and similes.
To give you a better idea of the kind of thing you'll find in the book, here is a brief sampling of quotations from the chapter on life metaphors:
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"Life is a journey, but don't worry, you'll find a parking spot at the end."
Isaac Asimov
"Life is a moderately good play
with a badly written third act."
Truman Capote
"Life is like a game of cards.
The hand that is dealt you represents determinism;
the way you play it is free will."
Jawaharlal Nehru
"Life is like a ten-speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use."
Charles M. Schulz
"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser."
John W. Gardner
"I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper,
the closer you get to the end, the faster it goes."
Andy Rooney
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And here are a handful of quotations from the wit & humor chapter:
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"Dogs need to sniff the ground;
It's how they keep abreast of current events.
The ground is a giant dog newspaper,
containing all kinds
of late-breaking news items, which,
if they are especially urgent,
are often continued in the next yard."
Dave Barry
"Wit is a treacherous dart.
It is perhaps the only weapon with which it is possible
to stab oneself in one's own back."
Geoffrey Bocca
"Humor is the shock absorber of life;
it helps us take the blows."
Peggy Noonan
"It's silly for a woman to go to a male gynecologist.
It's like going to an auto mechanic
who never owned a car."
Carrie Snow
"College: a fountain of knowledge where all go to drink."
Henny Youngman
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In the book, I occasionally provide commentary after a quotation in order to explain the observation, put it into context, or provide some information about the author. Here are two examples, the first from the the human condition chapter and the second from the insults & criticism chapter:
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"Most truths are so naked that people feel sorry for them
and cover them up, at least a little bit."
Edward R. Murrow
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The naked truth, a metaphor for plain and unadorned truth, originated in an ancient Roman fable. Truth and Falsehood went for a swim. Falsehood emerged from the water first, dressed himself in Truth's clothes, and departed. Truth refused to wear the clothing Falsehood had left behind, preferring to go naked instead.
The expression has been used countless times by writers, ancient and modern, but one of my favorites comes from Ann Landers, who wrote, "The naked truth is better than the best-dressed lie."
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"America is an adorable woman chewing tobacco."
Frédéric-Auguste Bartholdi
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Bartholdi was a nineteenth-century French sculptor who loved America but was turned off by the disgusting personal habits of its citizens, especially tobacco chewing. His most famous work, a statue he titled Liberty Enlightening the World, was a mouthful for everyday Americans, who since 1886 informally referred to it by the name it
has today: The Statue of Liberty. Another European aesthete who loved Americans but detested tobacco chewing—and the spitting associated with it—was Oscar Wilde. The practice inspired his famous metaphorical remark: "America is one long expectoration."
For more information, click on the links below:
 Table of Contents
How to Get the Book
To give you a better idea of how the book is organized, the Table of Contents appears below:
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Chapter 1
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An Ice-Axe for the Frozen Sea Within (Life-Altering Metaphors)
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Chapter 2
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Reserved Seats at a Banquet of Consequences (The Human Condition)
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Chapter 3
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Humor is the Shock Absorber of Life (Wit & Humor)
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Chapter 4
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The Lights Are On, But Nobody's Home (Insults and Criticism)
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Chapter 5
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Enclosing Wild Ideas within a Wall of Words (Definitive Metaphors)
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Chapter 6
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Life is the Art of Drawing without an Eraser (Life)
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Chapter 7
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A Relationship is Like a Shark (Relationships)
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Chapter 8
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Love is an Exploding Cigar We Willingly Smoke (Love)
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Chapter 9
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Marriage is a Souvenir of Love (Marriage, Family & Home Life)
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Chapter 10
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Sex is an Emotion in Motion (Sex)
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Chapter 11
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Old & Young, We Are All on Our Last Cruise (Ages & Stages of Life)
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Chapter 12
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An Actor is a God in Captivity (Stage & Screen)
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Chapter 13
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Washington, DC is to Lying What Wisconsin is to Cheese (Politics)
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Chapter 14
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Sports is the Toy Department of Life (Sports)
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Chapter 15
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Writing is the Manual Labor of the Mind (The Literary Life)
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Let me briefly describe three ways for you to get a copy of the book.
1) Your Local Bookstore
Most discerning bookstores will have I Never Metaphor I Didn't Like in stock, so a visit to your favorite bookseller may be the easiest way to get your hands on a copy.
If they don't have it in stock, ask them to order a copy. This is a service bookstores are more than willing to provide, so take advantage of it.
2) Online Bookstore:
3) Your Local Library
If you're a little short on cash right now, no problem! You can be reading I Never Metaphor I Didn't Like within a few weeks. Simply go to your local library and ask them to order
a copy or two for the library's collection. They will be happy to reserve a copy of the book for you, and they'll even notify you when it comes in. I've been able to get my hands on scores
of books this way over the years. It's one of the many fantastic services provided by public libraries; yet very few people are aware of it. And it's paid for by your tax dollars, so take advantage of it.
By the way, even if you decide to buy a copy of the book, I'd appreciate your asking your local library to order a copy anyway.
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